Bear Security Awareness Training
PLEASE READ: This Bear Security Training is MANDATORY
Welcome to your new job! I'd like to take a moment to talk to you about bears.
Now, none of you have ever seen a bear, and I know it can be hard to imagine what a bear looks like, or why you should care about bears, BUT—this is a MANDATORY bear security awareness training course so please pay attention and don't fast forward to the end of this video.
You tried, didn't you? Yeah, we figured out how to make you watch this. Or at least force you to turn the volume down and go do something else. Like make a nice risotto or tinker with your vintage automobile or play with your children. Because if this video doesn't finish playing by your deadline then HR will be reaching out about your incomplete onboarding.
BEARS CAN EAT YOU.
There. I said it. I know some of you think I'm paranoid about bears, but it's not paranoia if a bear is out to get you! Sheesh, you'd think people would be more concerned about being torn to pieces by carnivorous predators that weigh more than a Volkswagen.
So to make sure you can't sue us if a bear eats you, this training course will cover:
Why should I care about bears?
How can you tell if it's a bear or not?
If a bear tries to eat me, what should I do?
Now maybe you aren't worried about bears, but they pose a SIGNIFICANT RISK to our business. If a bear gets to you, they can get to the rest of the company, and then what happens?
Regulatory fines, that's what. You think the FTC likes it when a bear gets into a Fortune 500 company like ours? And don't even get me started about the SEC. Do you know the paperwork we'd have to file if we suffered a bear attack?? Bears are a menace and WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AND PAY ATTENTION?
Bears are invisible. Everyone knows this. One moment you're sitting in your cubicle, drinking coffee and looking at Facebook on your phone and pretending to work when—WHAM! A bear happens.
BE AWARE OF BEARS!
To help everyone understand the risk bears pose to our enterprise, we are launching a new Bear Attack Simulation Training.
We hired an actor to put on a bear costume and walk around the office this Friday and pretend to eat people.
PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED—THE ACTOR IN THE BEAR COSTUME WILL NOT ACTUALLY EAT YOU.
Your Bear Security Team is here to help protect the company—and you, up to the coverage limits of your company-supplied life insurance policy—from bears.
People, we give you stock options for a reason. You want them to be worth something some day? They won't be worth anything if we get a bad case of the bears.
Thank you all for your time and attention as we come to grips with this new bear security risk.
Finally, I want to give a shout out to Janice in accounting, who lost a leg to a bear but still comes into work anyway.
Be like Janice!